The Quagmire Quad-tastrophe
by VeronicaWeasley
Summary: If you are interested in stories where triplets and quadruplets have a grand old time together, you might be better suited for another fanfiction. In this story a family project takes an unexpected turn, and a boy named Nicky finds himself adjusting to a new normal, while some other children named after a dancer meet the sibling they never knew they had.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfic for NRDD, so it probably isn't very good, but I hope you all enjoy it anyway. The quads are supposed to be twelve in this, and I'm assuming that's The third season timeline. I apologize if I get some details wrong, as I haven't watched the entire series yet.**

**The Quagmire Quad-tastrophy**

Chapter 1

Scrapbooking Secrets

_It was supposed to be a normal Sunday afternoon. I don't know how it went so wrong._

"There's nothing to do!" Dicky groaned and leaned back on the couch. It was a snow day, and the Harper quadruplets were cooped up inside, lazily avoiding the cold Colorado weather.

"Don't say that," Ricky warned, "or Mom and Dad will give us something to do."

Anne burst through the kitchen door, carrying a scrapbook and a large cardboard box. "I've got something for you to do!"

The other three quads all glared at Dicky, who shrugged and gave his siblings a "what did I do?" look.

"Since we're snowed in," Anne set her things down on the coffee table. "I thought it might be fun to work on your scrapbook."

"Uh-huh," Dawn said, her eyes on her phone. "Sure."

"And afterwards, I think Dawn should clean the toilets," Anne said loudly to check if Dawn was truly listening.

"Sure," Dawn said, then cried out "What?" a moment later, as she processed what her mother had said. Anne rolled her eyes.

"Anyway," Anne opened the cardboard box. "I've been wanting to make a scrapbook for you guys for _years, _but I never got around to it." She turned the box over and dumped the contents onto the table. "But today, I woke up and thought: 'Heck, I have four children. Why don't I make them do it?'" The quads stared at their mother in astonishment. "Have fun!" Anne called as she walked up the staircase, leaving her four children to state at the coffee table and wonder how on earth they were supposed to make a scrapbook.

* * *

"You know what's weird?" Nicky said a half an hour later, when the siblings had somehow managed to make a large mess, despite the fact that they had done almost nothing.

"What?" Ricky asked. He was kneeling on the floor, creating a layout of pictures on a scrapbook page. Dawn was texting her friends, and Dicky was asleep in a ball on the couch, drooling.

"I'm not in any of these pictures." Nicky set down the handful of photographs he had been holding.

"What are you talking about?" Dawn asked, not taking her eyes off the screen. "You're in that one, there." She waved her hand vaguely in the general direction of the scrapbooking project.

"Which one, where?" Ricky asked, attempting to figure out what Dawn was pointing at.

Nicky held up three pictures. "There are pictures of Mom with all three of you right after we were born, but the pictures of me don't seem to start until we're about half a year old."

"How can you tell?" Dicky spoke suddenly, startling his siblings. Ricky jumped, as he had been sure until that moment that Dicky was fast asleep. "Babies are babies."

"So Mom didn't take a picture with you in the hospital," Dawn said. "Maybe she just forgot she had four children."

"Yes, I'm sure the pain of bringing four other humans into the world didn't trigger any long-term memories," said Ricky sarcastically.

"What pain?" The other quads rolled their eyes at Dicky's stupid question.

"Anyway..." Nicky drew out the word. "Doesn't this seem odd to you?"

"No," said Ricky.

"Nope," said Dicky.

"N," said Dawn, as if she were texting. "Dad probably forgot to take pictures of all of us."

"That does sound like a very Dad thing to do," Ricky agreed. "Don't worry about it."

Of course, as you may know, when someone tells you not to worry about something, all you can do is worry about it.

* * *

"So how is the scrapbooking project going?" Anne asked the quads at dinner that night.

Tom, who had returned home from the sporting goods store after the snowplows finally got around to clearing the roads, choked on his food. After coughing for several minutes and taking several sips of water, he managed to squeak: "The _what _project?"

"I told the kids to put together their own baby book because they complained of boredom," said Anne with a grin.

"But we planned to do that ourselves because of _reasons that must not be named, _remember?" Tom hissed to his wife in an extremely audible whisper.

"What reason?" Ricky asked.

At the same time, Dawn asked: "What are you hiding?

"No reason. We aren't hiding anything," Anne said in that fast, nervous way one says things when they have something to hide.

"Does it have anything to do with there being no baby pictures of me?" Nicky asked. Dicky mumbled a question through a mouthful of food that no one really cared to try and translate.

"Where would you get that idea?" Tom said with an un-manly voice crack.

"From the fact that there aren't any baby pictures of me," Nicky said simply.

"There are plenty of your baby pictures!" Anne protested.

"But there are pictures of all three of _them _in the hospital," Nicky gestured to his siblings. "All the pictures of me were taken at home."

Anne's eyes widened. "Oh. Well, that's because...because...Tom?" She gave her husband an imploring look.

"Well Nicky," Tom said. "It's because...because...Anne?" He gave his wife an imploring look.

"Tom?" Anne asked.

"Anne?" Tom asked.

"_Tom?_"

"_Anne?_"

The quads looked back and forth between their parents, as if they were watching them play tennis at _Get Sporty!_

"TOM?"

"ANNE?"

"So Tom," Dawn said, addressing her father. "Anne." She looked at her mother. "What _are_ you hiding?"

"Dawn, Ricky, Dicky, go to your rooms, please," Anne commanded. "We need to talk to your brother alone."

This was a phrase often used when one of the quads was in trouble, and the other three knew that they could eavesdrop if they stood very quietly beside the window that separated the kitchen and the living room. However, Tom and Anne also knew this. The second Dawn, Ricky, and Dicky were settled outside the window, he yelled at them to stop eavesdropping, and the other three quads trudged up the stairs.

Tom and Anne then focused their attention on their youngest son, something that did not happen often.

"There's never been a right time to do this," Anne started. "But as you've seen the pictures, we might as well tell you now."

"Tell me what?" asked Nicky in a small voice, even though he had already guessed what his parents were going to tell him.

"We really didn't want you to find out this way," Tom said.

"Find out what?" Nicky's voice was louder this time.

Anne took a deep breath and finally broke the news. "You're adopted."

**And that's the first chapter! The chapter title sounds like a cheery children's chapter book, but that's all right.**

**I know some people have probably been longing for a story like this (looking at you, JustVildaPotter). I hope you liked it! **


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't** **know**** if more than one person has read this story, but I'm sorry for the long wait. I just haven't felt up to writing the second chapter. But today I did, because it's Fall Break! Woo-hoo!**

**Review Responses:**

**JustVildaPotter: Really, absolutely NO idea... Anyway, t****hanks! I know that now, as I've actually finished the series. I'll revise the age situation below. Yes they are, and yes he is! It's finally time for you to read more!**

**Other Notes: The timeline is between the first couple episodes of Season 3, so the quads are supposed to be almost 13, but they are currently still twelve.**

**Also, part of this chapter will be a flashback, and the rest will take place in the timeline explained above.**

**Alright, enough of me talking. Time for me to talk through other people/characters!**

Chapter 2

Ricky, Dicky, Dawn, and...Nikki?

_September 14, 2004_

"AAAAAAAAAUGH!" Anne Harper screamed. Given her pregnant, er, present situation, the noise was understandable by everyone besides her husband.

"Honey, calm down," Tom said in what he thought was a soothing voice, but was really a slightly commanding tone.

Anne stopped screaming and turned her head to glare at Tom. "I'm sorry, are you the one producing four human beings at once?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then shut. Up-AAAAAAUGH!" This scream actually went on for about a minute, but I do not have the energy or ink to record it as such, so you will have to imagine it.

"Congratulations, it's a girl!" The doctor announced. The room was filled with the sound of a baby's cry. "One down, three to go!"

_Four seconds later, after some screaming..._

"Congratulations, it's a boy!" The doctor announced. A second cry joined the first to make the noise in the room louder. "Two down, two to go!"

_ Three seconds later, after some more screaming..._

"Congratulations, it's another boy!" The doctor announced. A third cry joined the first two. "Three down, one to go!"

_ One minute later, after a great deal of screaming..._

"Congratulations, it's another gir-" the doctor's voice trailed off before he could finish his announcement. The room became as silent as it is possible for a hospital room to be. The first three babies had been calmed by nurses and taken to be cleaned off. But the other baby didn't make any noise. She didn't utter a single cry as the doctor whisked her out of the room.

Tom turned to his wife, unsure if she wanted him to go after the medical professional, but Anne's response was a loud snore. She had fallen asleep.

* * *

Tom wandered aimlessly around the hospital, trying to discover the whereabouts of the doctor who had helped Anne to deliver her children. As he passed the hospital nursery, he noticed a couple with very dark hair standing in front of the glass and whispering to each other. Tom couldn't help but overhear what they were saying; it wasn't the sort of conversation people usually had while looking at newborns.

"We have three one-year-olds to get back to, Cam," the dark-haired woman whispered to her husband.

"I know that," Cam whispered back. "And I know we decided we don't want a fourth child to take care of, but we can't just leave the boy here to be tossed into the foster system. It isn't the right thing to do."

"I heard there was a couple here that had quadruplets, but one of the children didn't make it," the woman said. Tom gasped. "We could forge some paperwork and pass him off as theirs. Then we'll know he will be living with people who want him."

"Kate!" Cam whispered, sounding appalled at the idea.

"Wouldn't it be better than just leaving him?" Kate asked.

"Yes, of course, but are we really going to stoop as low as birth certificate forgery?"

Kate sighed. "All I want is what's best for him. A proper home and a loving family."

Tom held his breath, listening for the man named Cam to respond with something like: "Couldn't we be that home and that family? We are his biological parents, after all." But Cam just nodded, and Tom walked back to Anne's room as fast as he could to see if she had woken up.

* * *

_Present Day_

Nicky looked at his father, expecting there to be more to the story. "And then what?"

Tom scratched his head. "It's all a blur, but I remember there being a lot of paperwork," he paused for a moment in an attempt to remember more, while Nicky looked at him with an expression that was difficult to read. "We stayed at the hospital for a few more days, and we ended up bringing you home."

"Ended up?" Nicky asked.

Anne sighed and reached across the table to take Nicky's hand. "We adopted you and brought you home with us. That's what he means."

Nicky wrenched his hand away. "Did you ever happen to meet my real parents? Or did you just sign for me?"

Anne hesitated. "No, we never met them. We only know their names."

After being told the names of his biological parents, Nicky bolted from the kitchen, not even stopping when Anne called his name.

* * *

Nicky stormed down the hallway and threw open his bedroom door, prepared to run in and collapse onto his bed. Instead, he was pleasantly greeted by his brothers.

"Hey Nicky!"

Nicky made a growling noise in the back of his throat. "Why are you two _always _in here?"

Ricky and Dicky exchanged a concerned look. "I hate to break it to you," Ricky said, "but we've been sharing a room for nearly thirteen years."

Nicky growled again. "Whatever. Can you just get out?" His voice cracked on the last word, as it so often did when he spoke.

"Why?" Dicky asked.

"Just go!" Nicky yelled.

Ricky stood up and put his hands up to signal surrender. Dicky followed suit, and the two boys walked backwards out of the room. Moments after they had stepped out, Nicky slammed the door in their faces.

Dicky turned to Ricky. "What's his problem?" Ricky shrugged. The two brothers stood in front of their bedroom door for a moment, looking thoughtful, until Dicky spoke again. "Wanna go bother Dawn?"

Ricky shrugged, this time in agreement. "Why not?"

While his brothers walked down the hallway, Nicky sat on his bed and opened his laptop. He was so prepared to type what he was going to search that he typed half of it into the password box before he realized what he was doing.

When he finally got his password in correctly, Nicky clicked on the search bar and hurriedly typed in two words, his hands shaking as he did so. The results showed up quickly, but there was another phrase above them in the place where the search engine corrected searches that were spelled wrong. Nicky read the correction, and his eyes grew wide.

The top of the page read: _Did you mean: 'Quagmire family fire'?_

**That last bit was kind of boring, but things should pick up in the next chapter.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Fall Break is great, because I have time to do what I want, a phrase which here means: write fanfiction.**

**By the way, none of this belongs to me, for I am neither Lemony Snicket nor any of the people at Nickelodeon who created Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, and Dawn.**

**Review Responses:**

**JustVildaPotter: By "boring" I mean that that part of the story felt slow as I was writing it, but I'm glad you liked it! Poor Nickies. Both of your assumptions are correct! The Quagmire parents are named Kate and Cam (their full names can be found in the chapter below), and Nicky did originally type "Quagmire family". Good powers of deduction, and thanks for reviewing!**

Chapter 3

A Tangled Web Search

Nicky stared at the computer screen. _Quagmire family fire, _he thought over and over again. He scrolled down. The results took up three pages. Most of the links were for news websites. Nicky scrolled back up and clicked on the first result, for a website called _The Daily Punctilio_.

A headline in bold print took up the first two lines of the webpage, underneath a photo of five family members sitting in a line, the parents on the left, and the children on the right.

**Tragic Fire Destroys Home of Cameron and Katherine Quagmire, Owners of Famous Sapphires**

**By Eleanora Poe**

"Last Friday Night, a mysterious fire started in the Quagmire home. The official fire department was contacted, but not quickly enough. Mr. and Mrs. Quagmire, along with their eldest son Quincy, perished in the blaze. The couple's other two children, identical twins Dillon and Isabelle, were able to get to safety. For more information on the twins' current situation, subscribe to _The Daily Punctilio _for daily news updates!"

Nicky looked at the abysmal paragraph. He was about to search for a different account of the story when he noticed a comment below the article.

Beneath an enthusiastic message from _A. Poe_ there was a lengthy comment from an anonymous person.

_*night_

_*Quigley_

_*Duncan_

_*Isadora_

_*triplets'_

_For anyone who does wish to subscribe to such an uninformed news source, a phrase which here means exactly what it says, the two remaining Quagmire triplets are now in attendance at Prufrock Preparatory School, which is located on the outskirts of Lincoln, Nebraska. If anyone would like a truly accurate account of that terrible fire, I would suggest talking to someone who was actually there, instead of simply believing the words of a newspaper that does not check its facts._

_The world is quiet here._

_-J.S._

Nicky opened up a new tab and quickly searched for the distance from Boulder, Colorado to Lincoln, Nebraska.

"Nine hours," Nicky said aloud to himself. He shrugged. "That works."

* * *

The next morning, Nicky got ready for school as he would on any normal day, but he slipped a printed map, ear buds, and extra food into his backpack. In addition to this, Nicky dressed in the most inconspicuous clothing he owned, a phrase which here means he wore Dicky's clothing, because there was nothing inconspicuous about anything in Nicky's own wardrobe.

Anne only noticed this sudden clothing change when she dropped the quads off at school. Nicky was the last to leave the car, and she stopped him before he could walk away.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Anne asked through the her rolled down window.

Nicky cringed internally at the nickname used by his mother. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"I was going to tell you last night, something the doctor told us in the hospital the night of-"

"I've got to get to class," Nicky interrupted, not wanting a continuation of the previous night's story. "Bye."

"I love you," Anne called, but Nicky had already speed-walked away.

* * *

Nicky sat in his second period math class, watching the clock and waiting for the right moment. He would have left earlier, but he had to make sure none of his siblings saw him sneak away. The right moment came; the math teacher left the classroom to make copies of a worksheet. Nicky grabbed his backpack and slipped out of the room, unnoticed by any of his classmates. He exited the school through one of the few doors that wasn't either a main entrance or a door that would set off the fire alarm.

The next thirty minutes consisted of Nicky taking a bus from his school to a main bus station, then switching buses several more times before he finally boarded the one that would take him to Lincoln. Each bus driver gave him a questioning lokk, but none of them actually asked the twelve-year-old what he was doing on a bus during the school day.

A bus is not a comfortable way to travel for nine hours, or any longer length of time, and it is pointless for me to describe Nicky's boring nine-hour journey in detail. If I were Lemony Snicket, I might choose to describe it as such, in the hopes that I would bore you to sleep, and that you would cry your eyes, walk away, and find something else to read.

I am not Mr. Snicket, and I would like my readers to continue reading. Because of this, I will fast-forward through the long bus ride. I assure you that the most exciting event in this nine-hour time period was Nicky deciding to change seats after a random old woman took the seat right next to him and "accidentally" fell asleep on his shoulder.

Nicky stepped off the bus. As luck would have it, Prufrock Preparatory School was within walking distance from the bus station. When he arrived on the school's grounds, Nicky noticed two unusual things. The first thing Nicky noticed was the large marble archway bearing the phrase "Momento Mori". Not knowing what that meant, he continued on and encountered the second unusual thing. A group of children about Nicky's age in Prufrock Prep gym uniforms was running around the lawn in front of the school's main building. This building consisted of multiple sections, each equal in size to the one on the opposite side, with the exception of the largest section in the center. Each section had a slanted or conical roof, with a thin spire poking out of the top of each roof. Nicky turned around to get a better look at the small buildings he had passed on his way up the road, which he assumed were dormitories for the Academy's students. These buildings were made up of a rectangle with a rounded top. Nicky couldn't help but be reminded of something else when he looked at these buildings. The main school building resembled a sort of church, and the dormitories made up an enormous graveyard.

"Out of my way, you cakesniffer!" A shrill voice cried. A small girl in a pink dress tap-danced past Nicky into the main building, her red hair in ringlet curls swishing through the air. Nicky walked after her, shuddering at the sudden chill that met his skin upon entering. He followed the sound of tap shoes up three flights of stairs. The little red-haired girl was talking to a group of people sitting on a bench. Nicky ignored this, as he was more interested in the two people sitting on the other side of the bench. He saw their reflection in the window before he saw them. The faces were identical to two of the faces he had seen in the photograph on the news website.

"Hi," Nicky said, stepping around the bench. The two thirteen-year-olds looked up at him. "I'm your brother."

** Boom. *Mic drop* That's the third chapter. My plan is to have thirteen chapters total, as the ASOUE books do. For once in my life, I actually wrote out a plan for my chapters! We'll see how this story goes.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Review Responses: **

**JustVildaPotter: Thanks! I was originally going to write: "the most inconspicuous clothing he owned" before I realized none of Nicky's clothing is inconspicuous. The bus ride seemed so boring that I avoided writing it all together, so no one would have to experience it. Duncan and Isadora's reactions will be in this chapter. Enjoy!**

**Other Notes: This chapter will be told from the Quagmires' points of view, so Nicky will be referred to as "the boy" for part of it. I know it's tiresome, but I want to give you a look into the heads of other characters.**

**Happy reading!**

Chapter 4

Triplets, Spats, and Broom Closets

Isadora Quagmire glared at the young boy standing in front of her. Standing up herself to face him, she said: "Very funny. Did Carmelita put you up to this?"

The boy looked confused. "Who's Carmelita?"

"Wow, she even had you play dumb," Isadora went on in a sarcastic tone. "She's really upped her game. Carmelita!"

The red haired girl tap-dancing away from Vice Principal Nero's office danced back over to the two Quagmires.

"What do you want, Cakesniffer?" She asked, smiling sweetly.

"You know 'what'." Isadora grabbed the boy by the front of his shirt and pulled him in front of Carmelita.

"Hey!" The boy cried. His voice cracked in the middle of the word.

Isadora ignored him. She glared at Carmelita, her face reddening with anger. "So, teasing us about our dead brother on your own time didn't cut it?" Now Carmelita looked confused. "I swear to whatever being is up there, Carmelita Spats, the next time you even try to do a thing like this, I _will-_"

"Isadora!" Duncan Quagmire, who had chosen to remain seated on the bench in front of Nero's office until this moment, stood up to join the other children. Carmelita did a little tap dance on the spot for no apparent reason.

"Let go of the kid," Duncan instructed his sister.

"Hey!" The aforementioned boy said again. "My name is Nicky."

"Let go of Nicky," Duncan reinstructed.

"I can speak for myself," Nicky said. He looked at Isadora. "Let go of me!"

Isadora let go of Nicky. Carmelita tap-danced again, but this time she danced so close to Duncan that she almost stepped on his toes.

"Yes?" Duncan asked, sounding exasperated.

Carmelita obnoxiously cleared her throat. Then she began to dance and sing at the same time. "Vice Princie made me his Special Messenger today, so you're moving into a broom closet as I say! And my name is CAR-ME-LITA!"

"That doesn't rhyme," said Isadora.

"No one cares about poetic form, _Cakesniffer!_" Carmelita cackled and tap-danced away.

"What does 'Cakesniffer' mean?" Nicky asked.

Duncan sighed. "It's a long story."

* * *

Before we get into the long story, we must pause for a moment and journey to a location that is a nine-hour bus ride away from Prufrock Preparatory School.

The school day in Boulder had ended. The remaining three Harper quadruplets were standing in the hallway, waiting for their other brother.

"Why is Nicky taking so long?" Dawn asked. "Doesn't he know I have things to do?"

Ricky looked at his sister and counted off on his fingers. "No band practice, the soccer season hasn't started yet, and you did all of your homework in class. What things?" Dawn lifted her lunch bag and slapped Ricky across the face with it. "Ow!"

Dicky smiled at Dawn. "You didn't hit both of us."

Dawn slapped _him_ across the face with her lunch bag. "There's too much of a height difference between you two. I can't slap you all at once unless Nicky's here. And Nicky." She slapped Ricky. "Isn't." She slapped Dicky. "Here. For. Some. Reason." She slapped Ricky four times.

Dicky smiled again. "You still slapped him more than me." Dawn made to slap him again, but Ricky jumped in the middle of it.

"NO MORE SLAPPING!" Ricky yelled as he was slapped for a final time. He glared at Dawn and continued. "Nicky obviously got detention or something and forgot to tell us. Let's just go home."

The other two quads agreed to this, and walked out of their school to meet their parents. Anne greeted them, but did not say anything more until the Harpers had returned home and the quads were headed upstairs to their rooms.

"Stop," said Tom, walking into the living room. "Family meeting." The other quads literally backtracked down the stairs, groaning as they did so.

The quads seated themselves on the couch. Tom sat in one of the armchairs, while Anne faced the quads with her hands on her hips. Squishy barked and ran in a circle around the coffee table before he jumped into the other armchair.

"Which one of you knows where Nicky went?" Anne asked.

"Nicky?" Dawn asked, sounding confused.

"Went?" Ricky asked, sounding surprised.

"Detention." Dicky said, sounding serious.

"Nicky doesn't have detention," said Anne. "In fact, he hasn't been in any classes since second period. The school called, asking where he was and we had to pretend we took him home. So I ask again, _where is Nicky_?"

"We don't know," Dawn said.

"We didn't help Nicky skip school," Ricky said.

"I thought he had detention," Dicky said.

Anne sighed. "Fine, if you want to play this game. No phones, video games, tv, or computers until Nicky gets home. Homework, chores, and then bed. Am I understood?"

"But that's not fair!" Dawn protested.

"Honestly, we don't know where Nicky is!" Ricky protested.

"What about dinner?" Dicky asked.

Tom revised the statement. "No screen time for any of you until Nicky gets home or one of you decides to confess. Homework, chores, _dinner, _and then bed. That's all."

"But-" Dawn started to say, but Tom silenced her with a look.

"We have nothing to conf-" Ricky started to say, but Anne silenced him with a look.

"But we have nothing to confess," Dicky said, looking at Squishy and waiting for the dog to somehow silence him with a look. When no such thing occurred, Dicky shrugged, got off of the couch, and walked up the stairs. "See you at dinner!" He called over his shoulder.

* * *

And now, we must return to Lincoln and to the three children at Prufrock Preparatory School. The two Quagmires were leading Nicky across a courtyard toward a small shack made of tin. It looked like a dismal place.

"Wait, is this where you live?" Nicky asked.

"Yes, it is," said Duncan. He chose not to elaborate on that statement as he pulled open the creaky door and walked into the shack. Isadora followed, and Nicky had only taken five steps in when he noticed something on the ground that made him scream and jump onto a hay bale.

"Spider!" Nicky screamed, and jumped onto a hay bale. "The shack has spiders!"

"Not spiders," said Isadora, jumping up and down in place, which caused her shoes to make loud noises on the floor. "The shack has crabs." The spider-like crabs scuttled out of sight.

Something wet dropped into Nicky's hair with a _plop! _He felt his head, looked up, and grimaced. "Mold. The shack has mold."

"Technically, the shack has fungus," said Duncan. He pulled two school uniforms off of the shack wall and held them with one arm.

The three children heard a bicycle approach the shack. Seconds later, a newspaper was thrown on the ground at the entrance to the dismal place. Nicky hopped down from the hay bale and joined Duncan in peering over the shoulders of Isadora, who had picked up the newspaper.

The headline read: **Orphans Safe and Sound at Prestigious Boarding School**

Below the headline was a photograph of three children; a teenage girl, a boy who looked to be about Nicky's age, and another young girl who appeared to be somewhere between the infant and toddler stages of development.

Duncan pulled the newspaper out of his sister's hand and threw it into a corner of the shack. "Misinformation," he said in a disgusted tone.

"The shack has misinformation," Nicky said.

"_The Daily Punctilio _has misinformation," Isadora corrected.

"Whatever, Ricky," Nicky mumbled. Isadora gave him a confused look, but nobody asked any more questions until the trio had walked through the school and found the broom closet the two triplets were to live in.

"You have got to be kidding me," said Isadora, looking at the small closet full of cleaning materials. "Where are we supposed to sleep?"

Duncan shrugged. "On the floor?" He took the uniforms from his arm and placed them on a shelf in the back of the closet, above a collection of mops. Before closing the closet door, however, he walked back to the shelf and retrieved one of his own uniforms. This he handed to Nicky. "Put this on."

"Why?" Nicky asked.

Duncan smiled. It was the first time Nicky had seen him do so. "It'll fit you better than the stuff you're wearing now."

"And it'll help you blend in," said Isadora, smiling and nodding in agreement. Then she checked her watch. "But you'd better hurry. If we're late to dinner, the cafeteria staff will take away our cups and glasses and our drinks will be served to us in large puddles."

After Nicky had changed into a Prufrock Prep uniform- Duncan had been right: it did fit him much better -the triplets led him to the cafeteria. Nicky took one look at the lasagna offered in the lunch line and wrinkled his nose.

"It's disgusting, but it's food," Isadora said, noticing Nicky's expression.

"It's not food," Nicky said, not bothering to lower his voice. "It's a culinary abomination."

"Are you a food critic?" Duncan asked Nicky as a male cafeteria worker handed him a plate of garlic bread.

"I was, actually," Nicky admitted. "But then my siblings..." His voice trailed off.

"Then your siblings what?" Isadora asked.

"Better question: You have siblings?" Duncan asked.

"Yes," said Nicky. "I mean, No. Sort of?"

"Sort of?" Isadora questioned. "You either have siblings or you don't."

"And didn't you say _we _were your siblings?" Duncan added. He wasn't smiling anymore.

"Yes, but-" Nicky started.

"Wait a minute. You never told us exactly who you were."

"I promise, I'll explain. But can we find a place to sit down first? You'll understand better if you eat."

"First the food is a culinary abomination, now you want us to eat it?" Isadora Quagmire was once again glaring at Nicky. "You'd better have a good explan-"

"Don't even think about eating around here, you cakesniffers!" Carmelita Spats shouted.

**Chapter 4 Status: Done! Now I'm off to do other things! **

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Happy Late Halloween, everyone! Or Happy Dia de los Muertos, or any other fall holiday that you may celebrate but I do not know about. **

**Before we start, I have a Review Response:**

**JustVildaPotter: Thank you, as always! Nicky is not a fan of the food at Prufrock, as you could see. Carmelita songs are fun to write!**

**Of course, if you did not review, but simply followed or added this story to your favorites, thank you for your support!**

**Alright, enough babbling.**

Chapter 5

Orphan Complications

"Nobody wants to have dinner with people who live in the _Orphan's Shack!_" It was moments after we last left Nicky and the two Quagmires in Prufrock Prep's cafeteria, and Carmelita was still screaming. However, the three people receiving her insults were not our three main characters, but three other children: a boy, a girl, and a baby who had evidently tried to sit by Carmelita.

"I guess those are the new orphans," remarked Isadora. She picked up her tray from the serving line and tapped Duncan on the shoulder. "C'mon, let's go sit down."

Duncan removed his tray from the serving line, only to set it down immediately on the condiment table. But he did not do this because he wanted ketchup.

"What are you doing?" Nicky asked as Duncan began to walk away. "Don't you want my explanation?"

Isadora put a hand on her brother's shoulder. "I know what you're going to do, and it isn't worth it. We've got Carmelita off our backs. Leave it alone."

Duncan shook his head and walked away, toward the three new orphans. Isadora sighed, set down her tray, and followed him. And Nicky followed her, so as not to be left standing alone with the ketchup, mustard, relish, and horseradish dispensers.

Now, Carmelita was tap-dancing and chanting: "Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphan's Shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the Orphan's Shack!"

The other students had joined the chant when Duncan butted in. "Oh, leave them alone, Carmelita!" The rest of the student body fell silent, the way a room full of people falls silent when someone says or does something shocking. "You're the Cakesniffer, and no one in their right mind would want to eat with you anyway!"

Isadora tapped the new orphan boy on the shoulder. "Come sit with us."

The trio of children gave her a grateful smile and followed Nicky and the Quagmires to an empty table, tucked in a corner at the back of the room.

"I'm Violet Baudelaire," said the girl when everyone had seated themselves. She had long, dark hair with bangs in the front, and appeared to be the eldest, though it was hard to tell because her brother was taller. "And this is my brother, Klaus, and our baby sister, Sunny."

"It's nice to meet you," said Duncan. He was smiling again. "I'm Duncan Quagmire, and this is my sister, Isadora, and Quig-" he paused, then continued introducing Nicky. "I mean, Nicky."

"And the girl who was yelling at you," said Isadora, "I'm sorry to say, is Carmelita Spats."

"She didn't seem very nice," Klaus remarked.

"_That_ is the understatement of the century. Carmelita Spats is rude, filthy, and violent, and the less time you spend with her, the happier you'll be."

"Read the Baudelaires the poem you wrote about her," suggested Duncan.

"You write poetry?" Nicky and Klaus asked at the same time. Nicky sounded surprised, because he had found another thing about Isadora that reminded him of Ricky. Klaus, on the other hand, looked genuinely interested, and it was his reaction that Isadora focused on.

"A little bit." As blush crept onto her cheeks, Isadora reached into her pocket and pulled out a notebook with a pitch-black cover. Once she had found her page, she leaned forward and read the poem. "_I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats, than spend an hour, with Carmelita Spats._"

"That's a couplet!" Klaus cried out suddenly when Isadora had finished. Noticing the look on Isadora's face, he too blushed. "Sorry. I read that in a book of literary criticism a few years ago, and I've only now gotten a chance to share the knowledge."

Isadora giggled. "That sounds like an interesting book. Could I borrow it sometime?"

Klaus frowned. "That book belonged to my father. It was destroyed in a fire, along with our home."

Isadora exchanged a look with Duncan, then turned back to Klaus. "That's terrible. Did your father die in the fire?"

"Yes he did. And my mother, too."

Isadora reached across the table to pat Klaus' hand. "I'm sorry. Our parents died in a fire as well. It's awful to miss your parents so much, isn't it?" Klaus nodded. Sunny babbled something in agreement.

After an awkward moment of silence, Duncan admitted his fear of fire, and Violet talked about a woman called Josephine, with whom she and her siblings had lived with before coming to Prufrock Preparatory School. The conversation then turned to the horrors of Prufrock Prep, and it went along happily from there until Duncan proposed visiting the library, and Violet said something that completely changed the mood of the table.

"We'd love to see the library. It sure is lucky we ran into you two twins." Nicky watched as Violet's seemingly harmless sentence took its toll on the two Quagmires. Isadora stared straight ahead, not focusing on anything in particular. She appeared to be trying to force her face to keep a bland expression rather than forming a frown. Duncan looked down at the table, staring intently, as if some grand performance was being put on in the graffiti left by past students.

"What's wrong?" Klaus asked. "Did we say something that upset you?"

Nicky looked from Duncan, with his head down, to Isadora, who was struggling to make her lips form words. And then, without giving much thought to what he was doing, Nicky spoke up.

"Actually," said Nicky, looking Violet in the eyes, "we're triplets."

Duncan looked up. Isadora looked surprised. Violet looked taken aback, a phrase which here means: "surprised".

"I'm sorry," Violet apologized. "I didn't know."

Nicky shrugged. "It's a common mistake. We're fraternal, so we all look different, but we _are _triplets." In Nicky's mind, this phrase triggered a sudden memory.

The Harper quads had been around nine or ten, when some kid at school had been teasing them and saying they weren't really quadruplets. Dawn and Dicky has yelled at the person to shut up, but Nicky had brought up the issue in the quads' room later that day.

"What if we aren't related?"

Dawn had rolled her eyes, and Dicky had stared blankly into space. But Ricky was happy to offer an explanation.

"We're fraternal, so we all look different, but we _are _quads. Not looking alike doesn't mean we aren't related."

_Actually, Ricky, it means exactly that, _Nicky thought now. _For once in your life, you were wrong about something. How do you like that, you-_

"Nicky!" Nicky had been so lost in thought that he hadn't paid attention to Isadora's saying to the Baudelaires: "Will you excuse us for just one minute?" He had not comprehended his following the two Quagmires out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. He had not heard whatever the two triplets had just tried to tell him, and now Duncan was clapping in his face to get him to pay attention. "Did you hear what we said?"

"Sorry, what?" Nicky asked.

"Are you crazy?!" Duncan yelled at Nicky. This appeared to be something he had previously yelled, but he seemed more than happy to repeat it. "We don't know who you are, where you're from, what you did-"

"As long as you love me!" Nicky sang out with a grin.

"To get here," Isadora finished, shooting Nicky one of her trademark glares.

"And now you're going to pretend to be our triplet?" Duncan added.

"I pretended to be a quadruplet all my life," Nicky pointed out. "This can't be very different."

"Nicky," Isadora sighed. "If you have a family, you need to go back to them."

"You two are my family," insisted Nicky. As Duncan opened his mouth, Nicky added, "And it wouldn't make sense if your triplet brother disappeared without an explanation, would it?"

"No," Duncan agreed, "It wouldn't."

"But won't your family notice that you're missing?" Isadora asked.

"I told them where I was going," Nicky lied.

"Fine," said Isadora, "You can stay. But if something goes wrong, you head straight back home."

Nicky grinned. "Nothing will go wrong."

* * *

Throughout the first week at Prufrock Preparatory School, Nicky and the two Quagmires spent every spare moment with the Baudelaires. They fixed up the Orphan's Shack, and researched a mysterious object that both sets of siblings owned part of. Each day, they were only allowed ten minutes in the school library, but they made the best of their time in there, and continued their search for a mysterious book that the Baudelaires had discovered in a safe in their Aunt Josephine's home. The Quagmires had seen this book in a safe as well, the safe of two women they had stayed with over Prufrock's summer holidays. Despite all of these mysteries, that first week with the Baudelaires was one of the happiest weeks of the orphans' lives, and it seemed that Nicky's statement of "nothing will go wrong" was turning out correct. That was, until the day Prufrock Prep had a pep rally.

The Quagmires had offered to sneak some fruit from one of the dorms to share with the Baudelaires during the pep rally. This they had no way of doing, of course, but the two triplets really wanted an excuse to have a conversation with Nicky.

"Okay, you have _got _to return home," Isadora said as the trio walked down an empty hallway.

"But nothing's gone wrong yet," Nicky pointed out. "And you said-"

"We all know what she said," Duncan interrupted. "If you are staying, you have to start eating something other than the few things you have stored in your backpack."

"I have plenty of food." At this statement, Nicky's stomach made a loud grumbling noise.

"You ran out yesterday," Duncan observed. "You ate it all too fast because you're going to have a growth spurt."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm a journalist. I notice things. For instance, yesterday at dinner you looked into your bag while the rest of us were talking, then closed it without taking anything out. You looked disappointed. Also, you're a twelve-year-old boy with an excessive amount of voice cracks."

"Touché," said Nicky. "I didn't know you were a journalist."

"I decided on this career path two years ago! Honestly, Quigley, how many times do I have to-" Duncan stopped.

"Duncan," Isadora said gently. Duncan quickened his walking pace. Isadora matched the pace and caught up with him. "Are you-"

"I'm fine."

The two triplets turned the corner, with Nicky trailing behind.

"Hello, hello, hello, children," a man's deep voice announced.

"Hello?" Isadora said.

The man laughed a cruel laugh. "Don't play dumb, orphans. Don't pretend this handsome face doesn't haunt your every sleeping and waking moment."

"I'm sorry, it doesn't."

"So this is your new strategy? Acting completely clueless? I guess you know by now that no matter what you do, I always manage to find you. And this time, I will not let you three-" the man paused. "You two- wait." He looked at both Duncan and Isadora, counting as he went. "One, two- Where's the midget?"

"I'm not a midget," Nicky announced, finally coming around the corner. "I'm about to have a growth spurt."

The older man gave Nicky a confused look. "Who are you?"

"Who are you, you miscreant?" Duncan demanded.

The man's dirty face formed a surprised smile. He raised his single eyebrow. "_Miscreant,_" he repeated. "Oh, I know exactly who you are. Your mother liked fancy words too. 'You miscreant, never again will you darken the doors of this airplane hangar.' She was a rather boring woman, actually, always sitting around and reading Italian poetry- hey, where do you think you're going?"

Nicky and the triplets had run away while the man was giving his speech. They did not stop running until they reached the Prufrock Prep athletics field, where they collapsed into three chairs set up in the same row the Baudelaires were sitting.

"What happened to you?" Violet asked, but the Quagmires had no time to answer, as Vice Principal Nero chose that moment to walk onstage. The student body erupted into mandatory applause.

Two cheerleaders - who looked suspiciously like older women- walked out behind Nero with a large paper circle bearing the image of a skeletal horse lying on its back, and the phrase _Memento Mori. _Nero gave a long-winded announcement about the school's former gym teacher and her disappearance. He finished with announcing that he thought he had found someone who could suitably fill her shoes.

Then, the paper circle ripped, the students cheered, Carmelita Spats danced, and Nero played a very off-key rendition of some dramatic entrance music, as a man wearing a woman's winged athletic boots stepped through the circle and into the stage.

"I am Coach Genghis, your new gym teacher," the man announced with an obviously fake Southern accent. "And _I, _am here to school you."

**My longest chapter yet!**

**Author's Note: In the Austere Academy, the Quagmires and Baudelaires meet at lunchtime. For the purposes of this story, they meet at dinnertime.**

**Thanks for reading, and please review!**


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